Fny002

"One day, Little Johnny comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, sipped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Johnny watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, “Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?” “Of course, Son, we’re a family.” So Little Johnny climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. “Hang on Dad!” cries Little Johnny, “this is where I and the mailman usually fall off!”"

"In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?” “Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”"

"A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’ ‘There’s something wrong with my d!ck’, he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’ ‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said. The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’ The man replied, ‘You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.’ The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’ ‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowi...

"Dan married a woman with an identical twin. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. “Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the judge. “Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife looked exactly alike, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake,” said Dan. “Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said. “You’d better believe there is a difference, your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”"

"George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, does someone live in your shed? and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot ...

"A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says “oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?” The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.” The man responds “Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did you name them such names?” The blonde sighs and shakes her head. “Everyone keeps asking me the same thing… duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??”"

"A stranger drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”"

"Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. “Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?” The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40"

"Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog’s food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog? What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I...

"Andy is put in a cell with a dirt floor and only one window. The window is too high for him to reach. The only thing in the cell is a shovel. He won’t be able to get any food or water and only has two days to escape or he’ll die. Andy can’t dig a tunnel because it will take him much longer than two days to do it. How will Andy escape from the cell?"

"An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, When a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce! “ Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!” About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says… “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”"

"It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake for fishing, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son,” he said, “I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?” The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.” “What was that?” the old man asked. Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.” “Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” ...

"An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured get back $1,000.” Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? “ Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young: “Aaagh! This is Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t, ...

"Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, “Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!” His mother was so embarrassed. “Johnny, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!” For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them. Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard? Yes. This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, “Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?”"

"Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom"

"In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests. ” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” “So, everyone knows that he was the first president.” said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large. “Just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.” “Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny. “Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”"

"The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”. First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sandTrekked a lonely caravan.Men on camels, two by twoDestination—Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a-huntin went,Met three whores in a pop up tent.They was three, and we was two,So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down!"

"There was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.’ Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.’ Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. ‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. ‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?"

"Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy’s mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. “Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.” Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. Letter #1: “Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy” Leroy knew that wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the lett...

"A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train… Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,” she replied. “just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow! that’s a great idea!” he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied. “get your own f*cking blanket.” After a moment of silence, he farted."

"On Little Johnny’s first day of school, The teacher asked Johnny what 10+10 is and he said he doesn’t know. So his teacher told him to go home and find out. After school, he went to ask his dad but he was fixing the car. Johnny: Daddy what is 10+10 dad: f*** off can’t you see I’m busy He went to ask his brother jake but he stood on his desk and jumped on his bed. Johnny: Jake what is10+10 Jake: I’m batman So he went to his sister(mary) and she was listening to music. Johnny: What is 10+10 Mary:(singing) Let’s go, baby he asked his grandma but her hearing isn’t so good. Johnny: granma what is 10+10 Granma:48 He asked his mom and she is baking hamburger buns Johnny: what is10+10 Mom: my buns are burning Next day at school Teacher: So johnny what is 10+10 Johnny: f*ck off can’t you see I’m busy. Teacher: (angry)Who do you think you are… Johnny: batman Teacher: go to the principal’s office Johnny: let’s go, baby. Principle: so how many times do I have to beat your a$s johnny and I am...

"Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent…. “Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.” “Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest. “Whoa, that’s pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.” So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”"

"Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad… “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?” Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.” So off Johnny went to go ask his mother… “Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?“ Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “WellJohnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard”. So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones. “Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?“ Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!"

"Little Johnny was out hunting with his dad late in the year. Dad comes by to see how Johnny is doing. Johnny says, “Except for my wiener getting cold when I went pee, I’m OK.” His dad tells him, “Well if it gets cold again just rub it a little bit to warm it up!” Dad walks away chuckling a little bit, and a while later figures he better check on Johnny again. “Son, you doing OK?”. “Doing good dad.” “Well, did your wiener get cold again, and if so, did you rub it a little?” “Sure did dad, and man it feels great when the frost comes out!”"

"A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said; “Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.” Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?” Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?, well I did what I had to do” Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Beth a...

"The wife was very unhappy with her old car and complained a lot to her husband: Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband… “Buy me a surprise for my birthday!” she said. “Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!” Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday. And on the day she finally got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought… Scroll down to know what was her birthday gift,… It Was A Blue Colour Weight Machine… The poor guy is dead today, and his wife’s in jail for his murder !"

"John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.” The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “Oh, no he didn’t. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door.”"

"A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language… things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please mama!” Her mother said, “Calm down, dear! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?” Still sobbing, the bride said:,… “Oh, mama… words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK, …!”"

"A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off. ‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service-station attendant. ‘Nothing,’ the woman answered. ‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so Iwouldn’t fall off.’ ‘Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians don’t use saddles."

"Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice. “I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?” “Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.” And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock."

"A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man. “I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, please come to my house!” “But sir, I have a wife and four children…” “Bring them along!” the rich man said. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.” The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”"

"As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him. “Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.” Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him. “Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three questions. Would that be alright?” Forrest nodded. “Ok, Forrest, how many seconds are in a year?” Forrest thought for a moment and confidently answered “twelve”. Saint Peter was befuddled. “12?! You believe there are 12 seconds in a year?? Please explain.” Forrest replied. “Well, there’s January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, Apr-“ Saint Peter interrupted Forrest, “ok, I suppose you’re technically correct. That will do.” Forrest cracked a smile. “Alright, Forrest, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” Forrest thought for a moment, furrowed his brow a bit, and then replied “four”. Saint Peter, again taken off guard, says to Forrest, “4?! How on Earth do you get 4??” Forrest looks Saint P...

"A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist’s office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you ” The man asked, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse ” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple woment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we cauld make an appointn’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.” Is Florida great or what?"

"Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!” Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.” Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.” Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!” Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!” Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!” Ma says, “Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix.” So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!” Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!” Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!” Ma replies, “Hurt’s, don’t it ?!”"

"Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently p...

"The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “May I help you sir?” she asked. The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.” “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam. He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.” Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000.” Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that h...

"A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?” “No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”"

"Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work,… So Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug,.. And told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper,.. He complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Next day, when they were working on the deck,.. Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago,… It had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said:,… “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you c...

"Jonny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had s*x with a teacher. When Jonny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike Jonny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my butt still hurts."

"A boy starts his first day at Walmart. His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.” So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.” Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?” Lady “30ft.” He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?” “Why would I need a lawn mower?” “Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.” “Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.” The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower. So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?” The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.” “Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?” “20″ So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnm...

"Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!” His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!” little johnny jokes"

"An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.Abe replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.” A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. “You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?” “Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘I want 10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”"

"An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money… The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.” The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.” The old lady then asked, “Why?” The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.” She then returned the card to the old lady. The old lady remained silent. But she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?” The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?” The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000” The old lady then told the teller...

"An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa what is couple s*x?” The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie? The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”"

"Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?” Man: “Yes!” Reporter: “Name?” Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.” Reporter: “S*x?” Man: “Three to five times a week.” Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?” Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.” Reporter: “Holy cow!” Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.” Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?” Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.” Reporter: “Oh dear!” Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

"An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captaind asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says “Do Not Disturb”!!"

"Little Johnny came home after playing with his older friends. His friends kept using adult words and making jokes. Johnny laughed, but he never understood what the words meant. He walks over to his dad and asks: “Dad, what’s a h0oker?” The dad, taken slightly aback by the bashful Johnny, decided he did not want Johnny to know that kind of language yet. So he replies. “Well, son, a hooker is a bicycle.” “What about f*cking?” Johnny replies. “F*cking is the same thing as pedalling.” Johnny thinks for a bit. “And a c*ndom?” His dad furrows his brows slightly. “A c*ndom is a bicycle chain. Say, you should probably go to bed soon, you have school tomorrow.” Little Johnny obeys and goes to sleep. He wakes up the next morning plenty of time to go to school. Despite that, he still ends up 20 minutes late for his first class. “So, Johnny”, his teacher starts talking, “Why are you so late for class?” “Well miss, I jumped on my h0oker and started f*cking really hard, but on my way here my c...

"Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer. Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying: Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?” So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks. “Father, may I smoke while I pray?” The Priest replies. “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.” Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Little Johnny says. “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.” And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks. “Father, may I pray while I smoke?” To which the Priest eagerly replies. “By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.” Moral of the story: The approval you want depends on the way you ask for it…"

"A young man couldn’t decide which girl to marry. He liked one girl, but he really liked another one named Maria, too. He decided to ask his friend for advice. “How do you make important decisions?” he asked his friend. “Well, I go to church,” replied his friend. “Then I look up and pray and usually the answer just comes to me.” The young man decided to try just that. He went to church, looked up to pray, and the answer was written in gold above a stained-glass window. It said: AVE MARIA"

"At the end of humanity, there were three gentlemen left on the face of the Earth. The Creator (or whatever divine entity you’d like to place here) descends from the heavens to congratulate the last three survivors. “You’ve made it to the end my friends.” States the God-being to the three men. “As reward for this accomplishment, I will create an individual Earth for each of you, filled with your most treasured desire.” The three gentlemen began to shake with excitement and burst into streaming tears of joy. “You will have 100 years of good health and no aging, to enjoy these places of chosen paradise. Step forward and state your desire. Your paradise will be filled to the brim!” The first man, an alchoholic, steps forward and states: “I want my paradise filled with the best Beer!” The God-being grants the desire and the paradise is filled with kegs of beer as far as the eye can see. The second man, a sex addict, steps forward and states: “I want my paradise filled with young and b...

"Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over. “Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says. The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man” The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on. The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn”."

"What is the difference between an Ordinary Thief (OT) and a Political Thief (PT)? 1. The Ordinary Thief steals your money, bag, watch, gold chain etc. But, The Political Thief steals your future, career, education, health and business! 2. The hilarious part is: The Ordinary Thief will choose whom to rob. But, you yourself choose the Political Thief to rob you. 3. The most ironic one: Police will chase and nab the Ordinary Thief. But, Police will look after and protect the Political Thief! That’s the travesty and irony of our current society! And, we blindly say we are not blind! 4. The stupid part of the whole issue is that we insult and fight the Ordinary Thief but we Fight each other for the Political Thief."

"A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf. Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”. The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!” Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes...

"One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn’t mention the incident to her. Later in the evening, he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat. Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn’t looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window. The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant. “That’s strange,” said his wife, looking a little agitated. “Have you seen my other shoe?”"

"Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. `What will you do if I die before you do?` Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?” He replied, “Probably the same thing.”"

"The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife! He said, “Why? Is she super-hot too? I said, “No, she’s an optometrist!”"

"Little Johnny’s father took him on a fishing trip to Canada. On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, “The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!” Little Johnny replied, “Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did.”"

"A man went to church one Sunday and afterwards he stopped to shake the hands of the preacher. He said “Preacher, I’ll tell you that was a damned fine sermon, Damned good!” The preacher said “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of language in the Lords house. The man said “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand pounds in the offering plate!” The preacher said “Five thousand pounds….bloody hell?”"

"A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. “Gosh!” exclaimed the new bride. “You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?” “Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler. “Well,” she continued, “just what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?” “I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then s*ck the poison from the wound.” “What, uh… what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman. “Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”"

"An elderly woman is holding a funeral for her recently deceased husband After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears. Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt, asks “May I say a word”. Through tears, she says, “Of course” He takes a moment and says “Plethora”. His aunt, wiping her eyes, says “Thank you, that means a lot.”"

"A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, “Er… excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?” She responds in a loud voice : “NO, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!” Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table. After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, “You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” The young man responds loudly with, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS, THAT’S TOO MUCH FOR ONE NIGHT"

"A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears; “ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me, When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ” I think you’re bad luck.”"

"A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, “Oh no, it’s short, pink and wrinkled..!” Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek..!”"

"A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”. Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt. He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”. His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”. He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says, “No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”. His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money. “Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?” “Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”"

"3 nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.” intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. ” i found a phone in the priests room.” said the first nun. “oh thats nothing said the second one, i found c*ndoms in one of his drawers.” said the second one. ” what did u do with them.” said the first nun. pridefully the second nun responds with,” i poked holes in all of them.” and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”"

"A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. “What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?” she asked. “Well… I’d have to know a little more about the child,” the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. “He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age,` she said. He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…” “Oh, I see,” the psychologist said, “It’s YOUR child!”"

"A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”"

"An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says “I want to get a tattoo”. The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?” Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh” Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?” Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!” Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.” Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh” Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?” Old lady: “Because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!”"

"I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” “She asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!” Then she asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” “No, I don’t,” I said. She asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars?” “No,” I said… She looked at me and said, “Then why in heck do you want to live to be 80??” Have a GREAT day! Funny Jokes"

"Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk. “Follow me son” the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did. “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did. “Now we eat everybody.” And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?” His wise old father replied, “Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!”"

"Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard. The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that every night.” The passenger replies, “My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.” The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.” The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks, “How was it?” The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.” The driver looks at him funny and says, “Ten drinks?” The passenger says, “Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”"

"Two West Australian rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along when they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first hunter said. “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the! bottom. I wonder how deep it is.” The second hunter said. “I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter said. “Hey, there’s an old automobile gear box over there. Give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see.” So they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in. They were standing there looking over the edge of the hole and listening when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and without hesitation, jump in headfirst. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what ...

"There were two brothers who were always up to some mischief. If somebody had been locked up in his house or if somebody’s dog had been painted green, one always knew who the culprits were the brothers. One day the boys’ mother asked a priest to talk to her sons and put the fear of God in them so that they would mend their ways. The priest asked her to send her sons to him one at a time. When the younger boy, a lad of thirteen, came, he made him sit and asked him: “Where is God?” The boy did not answer. The priest asked again, in a louder voice: “Where is God?” The boy remained silent. But when the priest asked the same question a third time, the boy jumped up and ran away. He went straight to his brother. “We are in big trouble!” he gasped. “What’s wrong?” asked the older boy, warily, wondering which of their sins had caught up with them. “God is missing,” said the youngster, “and they think we have something to do with it!”"

"“Dad, where did I come from?” asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied: “I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from.”"